Updated: Nov 19, 2019
I don't want to write this piece. I have resisted with all my might. And it wouldn't go away. None of what I have to share fits the stereotypical sentiments expressed about Motherhood on Mothers day.
Being a Mother has been traumatic and the toughest years of my life. My childhood had some challenges; however not big enough to call traumatic. My adult mothering years had situations that were bigger than challenges - they were traumatic. It wasn't becoming a mother that was traumatic, it was the life circumstances that happened concurrently with mothering.
And Yet within this were some of the most precious meaningful moment of my life - birthing, breastfeeding, first steps and watching little beings grow. I love children and am most at home with bubs and kids and play.
The brokenness of mothering gripped me for many years. I identified so dearly with being a mother and yet it seemed like the place I most failed at. Mother's Day was miserable.
When I look and listen to others in the community, I see similar pain and anguish. Mothers whose children have passed , children with disabilities, mothers and children who are living in separated families, mothers of children who have addictions and mental illness and children with terminal illness.
Slowly, delicately, deliberately and with Awareness I have moved past the suffering I was perceiving that was happening.
I began to see mothering in more meaningful ways and began to stretch past the beauty or brokenness as opposites. Now I see that the brokenness is beautiful. Pain is the raw fuel for growth.
I had to dig deep to find some reconciliation to the inconsistencies I had experienced. I was very identified with playing the role of mother, being the gender of woman and being the personality of Lea. In the heat of deep spiritual transformation these all burnt to ashes.
I immediately and gradually came to know and integrate a deep consistent steadiness. I came to know eternal beingness. This had resided in me through all the passages of time. This stream of pure goodness filled and filled the body, filled the woman, filled the mother and filled the personality.
The vaster presence of mother permeated me - the eternal mother, the divine feminine principle of the universe. I was knowing perfect participation in life's flow that allowed me to birth four babies and I also knew non-possessive love that moved as freedom. Perfectly at peace with these children moving as children of the universe and not my children. I knew love with no obligation or personalization.
And in this movement I knew I had to get their pictures out of the cupboard and frame them beautifully and hang them with pride in my living room because these babies did come through me, they are of me and I am of them and I came through them. I came to know the truth of the deepest Self through them.
Below is a picture of my 3 of the 4 children, in the early days of parenting when cuteness was supreme. These three are all adults now, living fulfilled happy independent lives! and I love them lots.